Holy Mary, Mother of God, I've just been invited to the ultimate and most fabulous family reunion! I'm so excited I could lay a dreidel. Actually, I wonder if Mary and Joseph will attend and if they'll bring their brood? I haven't seen them...well...Christ...since we lost Masada. It's been that long since the Cohanim aka the House of David has gotten together for a little of this and a little of that. So much catching up to do! And such a coincidence since they just found the ruins of our family homestead in East Jerusalem!
OK, you non-Jews are all confused now. It's simple. Thanks to oral traditions and time-honored rituals that are unique to descendants of certain tribes and classes of ancient Israel, most Jews know from whence they came. They generally know of the route of their particular diaspora (or dispersion), Babylonian, Syrian or otherwise. Trust me, we know. And those of us who are Cohanim, well, we know and those Jews who aren't, they know as well. Jesus was Cohanim, Herod was not. My mother was Cohanim, my father was not.
This family reunion invitation is probably the closest I've felt to my mother in decades. Growing up, I can't tell you the number of times my mother lorded her heritage over my father. "You fucking goat-herder!," she would shout. "I give birth to Kings and you drink like a gentile!"
Tradition associates descent from David with many Jewish family names such as Cohen and Roth. In fact, you can read a complete list here.
Wow! You're thinking that's really cool! Why didn't I know this? You didn't know "this" because gentiles aren't generally interested in Jews beyond the stereotypes. How many of you know the difference between Purim and Passover, between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur? Of course, you expect us to automatically know the difference between Easter and Christmas. One involves putting cooked egg under the mattress and the other has something to do with some nasty thing called fruit cake that has a shelf life of 20 years? Right? But enough about you, back to Jewish royalty, the Cohanim.
So, the descendants of the House of David, the Cohanim, are planning a family reunion of Biblical proportions. This 2007 three-day event, also known as the Davidic Dynasty Project, has already been booked into Jerusalem's International Convention Center. In addition to the reunion, they plan an "Everything David" merchandise fair, which will be open to the general public. (Has the value of my pubic hair just shot up?)
But perhaps the most interesting aspect of this Reunion is the genetic testing of all Cohanim to identify a common DNA signature among those of us who by oral tradition know ourselves to be Cohanim and directly descended from the House of David. (I'd like to see Tom Cruise try to genetically prove that he's descended from some 75 million year old alien!)
This is creating a minor controversy because non-Jews will not be admitted to the festivities. Why is this a problem, you ask? It's a problem, my gentile friends, because millions of men and women who will test as full-blooded Cohanim are not Jewish. David's baby boy, King Solomon, as well as being wealthy and wise is also known for his over active libido (go read the Song of Solomon in the Bible if you have any doubts).
Solomon allegedly had 700 wives and 300 concubines--many of whom were decidedly not Jewish. Incidentally, Queen Elizabeth traces her own ancestry from one of these non-Jewish wives, claiming that the British Royals descend directly from King Solomon and his daddy King David.
Another something that might just stir up the pot will be the fact that
the Jewish Royal Family is also the Priestly class, the only legitimate blood line to run the Palace and the Temple. Kind of a Priest-King-Warrior thing. This is likely to generate additional and considerable tension regarding the Temple Mount aka The Dome of the Rock issue and the fact that it is a pet project of the Cohanim to restore Solomon's Temple, the singularly legitimate sacred site of the House of God. And in order to rebuild the Temple, the Dome of the Rock has to be demolished. And isn't that just what we need in the Middle East? A little more Biblically-based zealousness?
Anyhow, I wouldn't miss this for all the gold and precious stones in King Solomon's Mines.
Of course, the real issue here is what to wear? Oy! I mean when you haven't seen people in almost 3,000 years what's appropriate? I'm thinking black. But maybe I'd be more comfortable in priestly rainments? Something Royalish?
And what to bring? A nice bottle of wine? Some loaves of fresh-baked bread. You're thinking that there won't be enough to go around? Ha! Think again. We are the Cohanim, the descendants of the House of David, the first born sons among us have a way of making wine and bread last. Bring on the masses. We'll manage. We always do.
King David, wasn't he the one with the homerotic subplotline?
Posted by: richard s | Sunday, 21 August 2005 at 06:22 PM
Argg - How is it, that it's all about the damn first born son again.
Posted by: minda | Sunday, 21 August 2005 at 08:31 PM
Forgive me, for I'm just a dumb goy, but I though the Levites were the Temple priests. I knew that the Cohanim were, too, but I thought it was just another term for Levite. What does the Davidic dynasty have to do with it?
Posted by: Bourgeois Nerd | Monday, 22 August 2005 at 04:17 AM
Genetic testing can be dangerous stuff. Er, if it turns out that some or all people getting tested don't have the right ancestral profile, what happens? Is the Cohanim mystique permanently ruined? I, for one, would not mind seeing you in a bekishe and a gartel.
Posted by: Aaron | Monday, 22 August 2005 at 08:48 AM
Eggs under a mattress? Must be an east coast thing...
Posted by: buk | Monday, 22 August 2005 at 09:17 PM