RICHARD'S TOP TEN MIRACLES OF CHRISTMAS

1. After 364 days of giving us grief, it's the one day of the year when everybody seems happy that God has brought another Jew into the world.
2. My apartment morphs from smelling like a cannabis emporium in Amsterdam to a stable in Bethlehem.
3. It's the one night of the year when everyone is happy that a complete stranger is breaking into their homes during the dead of night while they're sleeping helplessly in their beds.
4. All the movie theaters are empty and there's no waiting.
5. The telephone doesn't ring for 24 hours.
6. Conservationists lighten up for a day and  join in an orgiastic mass murder of trees.
7. Atkins zealots eat sugar.
8. It's the one day of the year I can legitimately wear my 8-ply bright red cashmere sweater that I bought years ago in London when I was extremely drunk.
9. Hot young gay boys invite me to their parties because I look like Santa Claus, sit on my lap and beg me to slide down their chimneys and bring them shiny things (or was I just REALLY REALLY drunk last night at Urge?.)
10. Bush is preoccupied and not getting us into more trouble, at least for a few days.