THE FIRST MONTH AT WORK

One of our gay rights groups has released a brochure for straights in the workplace entitled the Seven Things You Should Never Say To LGBT Coworkers.  The big seven No-No's are:

1. I suspected you were gay.
2. I'm sorry.
3. Why did you tell me that?
4. Which bathroom do you use?
5. We are not close enough for you to share that information with me.
6. She-male.
7. What do you like to do in bed?

While I think the list falls far short of useful, it did remind me of the many gay-straight adventures I enjoyed during the my first month after coming out at work.  This was 1989, so I'm hoping that things have improved somewhat.  At the time, I was Chief Operating Officer of one of the world's largest public relations agencies, headquartered in New York City.  I was also President of the agency's most profitable global specialty division, medical communications, a division I had founded in 1979 and had grown into a $35 million business.  Finally, I was also on the Board of Directors.

So while I felt on very shaky personal ground as I began the process of coming out, professionally I believed myself to be in an unassailable position.  I felt I had the power of position that would allow me to stand tall and proud and out.  I was wrong.

In fact, after a couple of years of harassment, insults, humiliation and battling, I was fired for being gay.

The "excuse" used for my termination was that I had expensed travel for my boyfriend, something that officers of the firm routinely did on business trips with their spouses and girlfriends.  I was told that expensing travel for a girlfriend who accompanies you to a company conference in Paris is policy while expensing travel for a boyfriend under the same circumstances is stealing.  The icing on the cake came when I refused the Chairman of the Board's recommendation to submit to reparative therapy--which the company would generously pay for even though it wasn't covered in our group medical insurance.  If I would agree to undergo treatment for my mental illness, I would be given a medical leave of absence and then allowed to return.

Well, again, this was almost 20 years ago and things are much better today.

Again, those first 30 days were quite the funhouse ride.  Perhaps the hardest part was to find myself elevated to the status of hero by the agency's large contingent of closeted gay and lesbian employees who started coming to me  as individuals and in small groups to thank me for having the courage to take this step and making the workplace a safer place for them.  For a few days, that was exciting and gave me a sense of mission, but only for a few days.

I should have seen the trouble coming when I was told by more than one colleague that they really didn't need to know that I was gay.  Why couldn't I have just kept that to myself?

About a week after I came out, I placed a framed photo of my boyfriend on my desk and was quickly told by the head of the firm that quite a few employees had come to him to complain that while they were fine with my sexual orientation, they would prefer that I not flaunt it.  "How was I flaunting it?"  My boss pointed to the offending photo of a handsome man sitting by himself at a cafe table in Venice, Italy.  "That photo," he said, "is unnecessary and not appropriate in the workplace."

Furious, I asked him why that photo was any different from the photos that he had on his desk of his wife and kids.  He raised a knowing eyebrow and  said, "Please, Richard, you're smarter than that.  I have no problem with the gay thing, but that picture is just not normal and it's upsetting the staff."  I refused to take it down.

The penultimate moment came during the second week after coming out when I was called before my fellow board members to respond to charges of sexual harassment.  Those of you in the corporate world know that the definition of sexual harassment extends to any actions or words that create a sexually uncomfortable environment or situation for your colleagues.  And a number of twenty something men had filed charges against me claiming that by openly discussing my sexual orientation, it was essentially a declaration of my sexual attraction for them.

I glared at my fellow board members, a quiet fury brewing deep within; but I was also very much afraid and wondering how I would survive this strange new world.  I was still arrogant enough and confident enough in my position to refuse to play their game.  I noted that this was offensive nonsense and left the room.  At the next staff meeting, knowing full well who had filed the charges, I feigned ignorance and conducted myself as if nothing had changed.  After the meeting, I retreated to the executive washroom and vomited out my anxiety attack.

It took another two years of almost daily insults and assaults, finally ending in accusations of theft based on expenses incurred by my boyfriend who accompanied me on business trips--despite the fact that company policy allowed for travel with significant others.  And then I was fired.  To be honest, I've never quite recovered from that experience.

Today, I'm a senior officer in a billion dollar organization that has more openly gay men and women, including several openly transgender individuals, than a small American city.  One of our female employees was recently asked to shave her small but prominent beard.  A lesbian, she hissed back, "I earned this beard and have no intention of shaving it."  The straights didn't get it, the gays most certainly did.

And this is our world without ENDA.   Oh, and here's a bit of advise for gays on what not to say to straights in the workplace.

1. Go fuck yourself.
2. Sure I think you're hot, now bend over so I can shove my desk chair up your ass.
3. Cute baby, have him call me when he hits 18.

You get the idea...

Comments

[Sue]

Such a world that we live in. I am ashamed at it's treatment of you. Unfortunately I'm not so sure it is better now at the level you were at.

[Alan down in Florida]

Make sure you include this in your book.

[Scot]

So when I walk into my boss's office and catch him watching (gay) porn on his PC, is it wrong to say "hey, hands on the desk there buddy." Its one of my favorite thins to do, plus, he can't look me in the eye for the rest of the day.
Is it wrong, when our production manager - the bosses significant other of 34 years - posts a sappy picture of cute little kitties in a basket, on his monitor as wallpaper, to tell him he's just a big ol' girl?
I'm just saying!

[Alex]

Thank you for sharing your story.

Nothing makes me feel like a tired old idiot like remembering how I believed--back in the days of social ferment in the '60s and '70s--that surely things would be better for us in a decade, or at the most, two. Things are a bit better, but the pace has been discouragingly slow. I vote, I donate, I write letters--and nothing much changes. Oh, well, I can live with my cantankerous self in good conscience.

Love your blog...