WHORES, THE NEW NURSES

Straight to the point: While John McCain, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and the rest of our nincompoop politicians are spinning lies and propagating fantasies about solving America's health care crisis, I have come up with a solution.  Yup. I don't just rave and rant about problems; I also solve them.   Hollywood legend Ernest Borgnine, who you likely thought was long dead provides the centerpiece of the Rothstein plan from the perspective of a 91-year-old man, Borgnine not me.

The Rothstein Health Care Plan for America will drastically reduce the incidence of cardiovascular disease including heart attacks and stroke.  My plan will cut the incidence of certain cancers, obesity and obesity-related diseases like diabetes by as much as a third and possibly even 50 percent.  And best of all, leaving us much more money to spend on Empire building, the Rothstein Plan will slash health care expenditures by at least 50%--and within a couple of years.

And last, but clearly not least, my plan will deliver a substantial reduction in crime and prison populations.

The solution to America's health care crisis starts with the legalization of prostitution.  Whores are the new nurses.  And best of all, under my plan the cost of hiring a whore will be covered and reimbursed by private insurance, Medicare and Medicaid.  Managed care organizations will become the pimps.  Rentboy.com and Blue Shield will merge.  Elliot Spitzer will become the nation's new health care czar.

The funny thing is that I'm right. You think I'm joking, but my plan, unlike any plans suggested by either Democrats or Republicans is founded in science, fact and reality.

In fact, an effective deployment of male and female prostitutes will do more for controlling health care costs and reducing mortality and morbidity than all the healthy diets, vitamin and mineral supplements, exercise videos and FDA-approved pharmaceuticals in the world.

Consider the facts:

1. Fucking is good for the heart.  According to a study at Queens University in Belfast, men who have sex three or more times a week can cut their risk of heart attack in half.
2. According to that same study, frequent orgasms will also halve a man's chances of suffering a stroke.
3. One 30-minute session of boringly vanilla sex burns 200 calories.  Half an hour on the treadmill burns about twice that but imagine the impact of a robust fantasy rape scene or a night in a Chelsea dungeon.  Routine orgies could make  diet pills obsolete.
4. Regular sex curbs irritability and stress, both known causes of many physical and mental infirmities.
5. Researchers at Wilkes University in Pennsylvania found that having sex once or twice a week boosts the immune system by 30 percent, resulting in the near elimination of colds and other viral and bacterial infections.
6. According to research conducted at Scotland's Royal Edinburgh Hospital, an active sex life slows the aging process and can have as much impact on appearance as routine Botox treatments.
7. The negative health implications of insomnia are well documented, not to mention the side effects of commonly used pharmaceuticals.  Sex, however, naturally releases sleep-inducing endorphins8 with all the benefits of Ambien but none of the side-effects.
8. As we age, bladder control becomes an increasingly inconvenient and unhealthy issue.  Frequent sex tones the pelvic muscles that support your uterus, bladder, and bowel.
9. Post-orgasm, the body produces a massive and intense surge of oxytocin.  This "overload"  in turn releases endorphins, which help alleviate pain from arthritis, back pain, menstrual cramps and headache.
10. According to the prestigious Journal of the American Medical Association, the more a man ejaculates, the less likely he is to develop prostate cancer.  Some studies have demonstrated a 50% decrease in the incidence of prostate cancer in men over 50 who experience just 2-3 orgasms per week.

The key to the Rothstein Plan is to provide free and easy access to sex for all Americans, including the elderly, even the frail elderly.  In this paradigm, prostitution takes on a radical new meaning.  Nursing home orderlies will be replaced by horny young boys and girls for pay.

Preventative medicine has always been viewed as too costly and limited by our nation's mostly non-compliant population.  We've yet to find a way to motivate most Americans to engage in regular exercise and pursue healthy and nutrient dense diets.  What better motivation than sex?  The decriminalization of prostitution and its clear relevance to preventative medicine may seem like a costly venture for the government and the private insurance industry but in fact the savings realized in the reduction of mortality and morbidity and the dramatic upsurge in quality of life among the elderly is likely too huge to even quantify.

   

Comments

DEAR RICHARD AND DEAR 10 Inch DENNY!!!,
I AGREE WITH YOU BOTH TOTALLY!!! Prostitution Should Be Legal and Respected and Appreciated. To Serve That End(!!!), It Would Be Best to Refer to Prostitutes As "Noble Sex Workers," Working To Keep You Healthy and Happy!!! From Your Friendly Neighborhood Gay Atheist, VAL JOHN BARLOW IN ST.LOUIS MISSOURI

[paul]

Haha, funny as hell. I'll have to remember your stats, I've seen them all at one time or another before, but having them compiled to justify legalizing prostitution is priceless.

I don't know where I stand on the issue of prostitution personally. On one hand, I hate paternalistic laws and think that you should be able to do whatever you want with anyone you want for whatever reason you want...as long as you're consenting adults and don't harm anyone else. But on the other hand, STD rates would skyrocket (they all wouldn't be working out of clean ranches), which is a public health concern (though if anyone was worried about that we'd be teaching kids sex-Ed. I think the STD rate just might dampen the effects on longevity though (in fact, I think the prostate cancer article mentioned that while ejaculating may reduce cancer, overall longevity stats may be be so promising due to increased STD infection).

RR: You might want to check stats on STDS in countries where prostitution is legal and licensed by health authorities. It's a very different world.

[Nigel]

Paul, STD rates would actually drop. If your prostitutes have to have a license to practice needing a clean bill of health then you can be assured that they are going to take every precaution to stay safe and clean. This is also assuming we can get sex ed out of the damned dark ages in this damned country.

[Greg]

I bet it would go over better with the folks from Jesusland, US if instead of calling these health-care providers "whores" and "prostitutes," you called them something more politically correct with less negative connotations. Maybe something quirky like "sexperts." And you should only legalize it specifically for gay men ("special rights," bitches) so that everyone else gets jealous and DEMANDS that it be opened to everyone.

Just an idea.

Speaking of health, I confess I enjoy your "organic men" photography theme more than most of the others. Please, sir, I want some more.

RR: HOW ABOUT WE CALL THEM SISTERS AND BROTHERS OF MERCY?

[MR Bill]

Izzat Will Geer in the last picture?

[Rex]

Actually I could see your health plan taking the place of gay marriage in the general scope of things. Which would you rather be: a husband or someone paid by your partner's insurance plan to look after his needs. You know lovin is wonderful but cash spends better!