PARDON ME, MA'AM, BUT YOUR GAY IS SHOWING

"Richard, I assumed you were gay, but now I know."

"Huh?   What are you talking about?

I was on the phone with a business associate, a public relations person, working out the details for a segment we're producing for GOOD MORNING AMERICA when she asked if we needed to include two of our spokespeople, when one would likely be enough.  I sighed and said I understood, but "Mike" was really looking forward to being on national television and had gone out and even bought himself a new "outfit."

"Outfit?"  She laughed.  "Richard, your gay is showing."

Apparently "outfit" outed me.

Apparently, a straight man would have said something like "new shirt" or "suit".  Suit?  So utterly dull.  Going on TV?  Some fab outfit and nothing less.

Have you ever seen the TV series Mad Men?  If not, do, it's brilliant.  The first season takes place in 1960 and includes an obviously gay closeted man thinking his secret is safe.  And his coworkers indulge his self-delusion.  His problem is vocabulary.  He faux drools over a secretary's "voluptuous breasts", noticing that her sweater is "pure cashmere."

Honestly, I've never much thought about this.  Sure, I'm well aware of the fact that when I use fabulous, the flame is on high, but according to a quick survey of my straight colleagues (pity them for having to deal with me on a daily basis), I speak gay.

"She's over-accessorized" totally gives me away, said one friend.  Apparently straight men think an accessory is someone who enables criminal activity.  Like wearing too much jewelry?

Telling another man to stop being such a "bitch"?  Gayish.

"Orange" is preferrred by straights over "Ralph Lauren Mesa Sunrise".

Then there's my unfortunate habit of thinking it's funny to confuse macaroons and maricons, especially those yummy chocolate maricons.

President-Elect Obama is not called "hot chocolate."

Buying two pairs of shoes during lunch when you only needed one pair is not called "having a Carrie Bradshaw moment."

And bragging about a one-night-stand is not "OMG, I was so Samantha last night."

And I'm the only guy on our team who grabs his murse when we're running off to a meeting.  "Briefcase?"  Oh, please.

Finally, a flirtatious and slightly demure "thanks" is not the appropriate response when a straight person calls you a "cocksucker."  Who knew?  Apparently, for straights, "cocksucker" is an insult and not a term of endearment!

Comments

[Rex]

It always seems to those who are here as if those who come from someplace else have an accent. You have perfectly demonstrated ours (and theirs too).

[Alan down in Florida]

LOL - Nice to have the softer side of Richard for a change. Now get back to bitching bitch!