TURN YOUR COCKSUCKING INTO COLD HARD CASH

Despite the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression and an official average unemployment rate of 10%, at least two American-as-apple pie industries are flourishing on a global scale: war and sex.  And one of them is just waiting for you, dear reader.  Yes, you can turn your homosexual love into hard cash and no, not through prostitution!

Ironically, both industries are fueled by a complete disdain for all that is good in humanity and a celebration of all that is loathsome.

First, war.

As the so-called recession deepens with no end in sight, the United States has been aggressively expanding its role as the world’s leading weapons supplier, increasing its global market share to more than two-thirds of all foreign armaments deals, according to a new Congressional study.

You probably thought the Russians and the Chinese were providing the tools of piracy, insurgencies, terrorism, greed, destruction and war.  You couldn't be more wrong.

The United States signed weapons agreements valued at $37.8 billion in 2008, or 68.4 percent of all business in the global arms bazaar, up significantly from American sales of $25.4 billion the year before. Italy was a distant second, with $3.7 billion in worldwide weapons sales in 2008, while Russia was third with $3.5 billion in arms sales last year--down considerably from the $10.8 billion in weapons deals signed by Moscow in 2007.

And the United States was the leader not only in arms sales worldwide, but also in sales to nations in the developing world, signing $29.6 billion in weapons agreements with these nations, or 70.1 percent of all such deals.

Nobody deals death and destruction like the most Christian nation on earth.  And as long as we're discussing Christians, let us turn to another recession-proof industry.

The Ex-Gay love machine is a second industry thriving in these hard times.  And thriving is an understatement.

The leading international Ex-Gay chain, Exodus International today profits from 120 United States franchises and 150 international franchises in over 17 countries.  In 2007, Exodus even formed a new marketing division, the Exodus Youth Network, targeting children--a lesson learned from the tobacco industry.  And just a couple of months ago, Exodus acquired the world's second largest Ex-Gay operation, Love Won Out significantly expanding its growth.

In fact, Exodus International  has been a money-maker since its founding in 1976.   Exodus co-founders Michael Bussee and Gary Cooper did so well in the first few years of their then start-up operation, they were able to retire in 1979 like a couple of dot com moguls and fund a lavish life commitment ceremony for themselves.

But the Martha Stewart of the Ex-Gay business is Ted Haggard, a man who has turned betrayal and denial into an exploding enterprise.

In fact, Ted recently told that press that his booming schedule of "Apology Tour" paid speaking engagements, media tours, How To Apologize to Jesus Workshops, book signings and promotional items has become so overwhelming that he and his family had to hire a couple of professional talent agents.

"Gayle [Haggard's wife] and I have been invited to speak in a variety of Christian and secular venues, and to appear on a variety of television and radio shows.  Because of high demand, we have hired a literary and a television agent, and are exploring companies to help us coordinate invitations to speaking in secular settings. We have also started having old friends and community leaders come to our home for “healing meetings.” These meetings are social events that conclude with a discussion on how we can all apply the Gospel to sin in ourselves and how the Gospel can inform our responses to others who violate biblical standards. These meetings provide an opportunity for me to personally apologize, answer questions, and discuss the events of the last three years."

The Haggard family's income from this "I'm Sorry I Sucked Dick and Snorted Meth But I'm Not Gay Magical Mystery Tour" has not been disclosed and may not be because unlike Martha Stewart and Dick Cheney, Ted Haggard is still an ordained minister and lives in a tax exempt world.

Just this past Sunday in fact, Ted Haggard apologized for three half hour sessions at a major  Evangelical Church in Irving, Texas for an undisclosed sum of money.  Gayle accompanied him in the role of professional beard.

Although the church's pastor mentioned Haggard's 'inappropriate relationship with another man,' details weren't given. Haggard does not mention any of the now three male lovers who have come forward, his long-term relationship with a gay S&M prostitute and his ongoing use of crystal meth.

He is, however back to condemning homosexuality and maintaining that he is not gay.  'I used to say that I am a heterosexual with issues. Now I say I'm a heterosexual with very few issues.'

The Dallas Morning News asked the local pastor about Haggard's "undisclosed honorarium for the Irving appearance.  The reporter was told the financial details of Haggard's Apology Tour are not relevant to the Lord's Work.  The paper let the issue drop because in Texas ethics and morality generally have no relevance to religion or politics.

Some of the church members did comment to the Dallas Morning News that they were surprised at Haggard's "whitewash" or "censorship" of the deeds for which he is ostensibly "apologizing" (for a healthy fee).

Haggard told the newspaper that the half-hour-long discussions weren't long enough to let him list his various wrongdoings. "It's just so available out there on the Internet," he said. "If someone had asked me, 'How many times have you used crystal meth?' I would have answered." Asked what he would have answered, Haggard stopped short. "I have covered every detail of that with my wife and with my counselor," he replied.   And then he pulled his uber gay face and walked away from the reporter.

The burning question remains.  Just how much has Ted Haggard profited from his homosexuality?  Is going Ex-gay a worthy pursuit for the millions of currently unemployed Americans?  (Not that Haggard is "ex-gay"--but more about that later.)

Since March of 2009, Haggard and his wife have been hired to appear at dozens of churches around the country talking in general terms about his "sin" and her decision to forgive him.

Gayle Haggard is also using the tours to do pre-promotion for the book about her ordeal titled "Why I Stayed", which will be released in January.  She's already booked on Oprah.

It's worth noting that the core issue Haggard uses to explain to his audiences how all this cock and meth happened even though he is not a homosexual and never has been, was the fact that he was sexually molested as 7-year-old boy by a  homosexual adult employed by his father.

His failure to deal with that, Haggard says, pushed him toward a secretive attraction to men. "One of the most horrific mistakes I made was not a spiritual problem; it was a physiological problem," he said. "I needed treatment.  My incongruity was due to childhood trauma."

The Haggards are also receiving contracted educational grants from The National Association of Marriage Enhancement, the International Marriage Conference, the Celebration Covenant--which in exchange for "Christian Healing" provides the Haggards with free cars and an annual stipend.

Comments

[chamblee54]

Is Ted Haggard a weapon of mass destruction?

[Alan down in Florida]

Ted Haggard is a good advertisement for atheism.

[Alex from Germany]

The success of this men may force some of the traditionalist non-gay, non-drug addict priest to uncommon steps to improve their income.

We all await dirtier details.

[Andrew]

I swear without your blog I wouldn't know about any news on religion & politics. Your blog posts offer news on the 'non-mainstream' or "didn't quite make the news", news. It's great.

His uber-gay face makes me laugh every time. It never gets old.

I hope Mr. Haggard doesn't think that selling your disgraced name and whoring your story out is a good way of providing for your family. If it's about the money and I mean let's face it, TV shows and a book tour; It's certainly not about what "Jesus would have done."