Proceed at your own risk

THE ULTIMATE iPHONE APP

I've been on the iPhone with Apple discussing an idea I have for a new GPS app. 

This is my third attempt.

I can't seem to get very far with customer service and was even once accused of making a crank call and another time of being a pervert.  Customer service reps to the end, neither accuser hung up on me but rather asked me to hold for a supervisor.  Once I had a supervisor, I enthusiastically repitched my "invention". The supervisor did hang up.  So much for customer service.

My idea seems a logical and inevitable extension of the now rather routine GPS function.  Furthermore, my new GPS app would be to iPhones what the light bulb was to night.

My brilliant inspiration is elegant in its simplicity and obviousness.

Let me know what you think and perhaps you too can call Apple and demand that they pay me some heed.

Basically you program in your start point and your final destination; GPS does the rest.

The difference is in the nature of the geography.

Here's an example:

1.   Using your tongue, slowly circle around the neck for approximately 5 minutes while caressing the nipples with your finger tips.  Occasionally circle the ears, the mouth but always to return to the neck to be assured of staying on course.

2.  Now work your tongue down to the nipples, mixing fingers and tongue until both nipples are fully engorged and pointing with determination in a northerly direction.

3.  Now rise up into a fully erect position, squatting on your knees and then circle around so that you are sitting firmly with the traffic circle on the vehicle's mouth.  Rims should be freshly cleaned before commencing the voyage to ensure maximum mileage.

4.  Now take the vehicles nipples in your finger tips and mixing pleasure and pain and occasionally some finger nail, squeeze, pinch, twist and pull until the vehicle's joy stick is fully erect and has begun to engage in a committed stroking process moving north, south, north, south, north south as you increase the intensity of nipple contact.  It is essential to the safety of the driver that both nipples remain simultaneously engaged while sitting firmly in the seat.  You will know you are sitting in the correct position by the pressure and motion of the tongue that is now firmly working its way into your extremely clean rosebud.

5.  As the north-south-north-south motion continues you will know that the vehicle has reached its destination when you hear an unmistakable series of satisfied sighs, moans and gasps.  Furthermore upon reaching the final destination the vehicle will automatically discharge several million passengers.  On occasion, at the conclusion of this leg of the journey, the vehicle will flip the driver over, and suck the driver's exhaust pipe free of all fumes and fluids.

I've also been on the phone with the U.S. Patent Office.  They too keep hanging up.  Luddite bastards!

TRICK OR SPOOGE?

California Christians are reaching new and rapturous heights of stupidity as they fight to stop Governor Schwarzenegger from  signing a bill saluting Harvey Milk, the nation's first openly gay elected official who was assassinated in 1978.

Harvey Milk Day legislation was firmly passed by both houses of the California state legislature and would become the first official day of recognition for an openly gay man in these United States.  I say "openly" since the jury remains out on both George Washington and Abraham Lincoln.

Christians are going berserk deluging the governor with  thousands of phone calls, e-mails and faxes.  Veto!  Veto!  Veto!

While the attempt to stop Milk Day is no surprise, even I am surprised by the reasons.

Looking at the celebratory rituals that mark other holidays:  the trees and lights of Christmas, the red tsunami of Valentine's, the Denny's extravaganza on Mother's Day and the costumes and trick or treating of Halloween, the Christians have rightly concluded that Californians, including school children will be encouraged to celebrate Harvey Milk Day with cross dressing, gay pride parades on school campuses, gay orgies in the streets of California communities up and down the length of the state, mock gay weddings and mass conversion of young impressionable children to the homosexual lifestyle.

It is truly a terrifying prospect!

While the day of recognition would impose no specific requirements on schools or close state offices, Christians believe the tribute could encourage discussion of Milk and gay issues in public schools.  State law encourages schools to observe days of recognition and “conduct suitable commemorative exercises.”

And what might those commemorative exercises be?  Kindergartners forced to engage in games of tag while wearing Manola Blahnik pumps?

“The bill is so broad it could encompass all kinds of things,” said Randy Thomasson, president of SaveCalifornia.com, who has been active in opposing same-sex marriage in the state. "There is no prohibition of what the bill calls ‘suitable commemorative exercises.’ The sky’s the limit.”

Will little old ladies from Pasadena go on a crazed rug munching frenzies?

Will suburban children run from house to house spooging on front doors?

So far, the governor’s automated phone line for constituents has received more than 100,000 calls opposing the bill, according to Schwarzenegger’s office.

Schwarzenegger has not indicated whether he will sign the Milk measure, but he vetoed a version of it last year, arguing that the man it saluted ought to be commemorated in the San Francisco Bay Area, where he lived and worked.

Though there has been no suggestion of a change of heart by the governor, the bill’s author, State Senator Mark Leno, who represents part of San Francisco and other sections of the Bay Area, said he believed that Milk’s profile had grown significantly since the last go-round. Mr. Leno pointed to the Oscar-winning film about Milk and the fact that Mr. Schwarzenegger and his wife, Maria Shriver, recently decided to induct him into the California Hall of Fame. “I am very hopeful,” Mr. Leno said.

In the meantime, one can assume that California entrepreneurs are furiously stocking up on size 14 pumps, kegs of poppers and cock-shaped Pinatas as gays and holiday-crazed school children gear up for Harvey Milk Day celebrations!

SWAFFELEN

I know this is a silly story, but I just had to post it.  It kind of made my morning.

The indomitable and ever reliable Dutch have chosen the verb "swaffelen" as the word of the year.   Swaffelen earned 57 percent of the 16,000 votes on the website hosted by Van Dale Publishers, renowned for its authoritative dictionaries.

Are you ready? 

Hint:  "Swaffelen" is something only men can do.

Swaffelen means "to swing one's penis, making it bump against something, in order to stimulate either oneself or someone else."  The swaffelen craze has resulted in Dutch men all over the world swinging and swaying to stimulate their penises against their shorts and pants.

Dutch lexicologist Ton den Boon says that etymologically, "swaffelen" is thought to be connected to the Dutch equivalents of "swing", "sway" and "sweep", as well as to German "Schwaf" and "Schweif": tail or penis. There is also a Flemish dialect word, "zwaffelen".

The word gained notoriety through a video posted on YouTube, in which a Dutch student got arrested for "swaffling" against the Taj Mahal in India.

Today, the esteemed Dutch nation has decided the Swaffelen is the best new word of 2008.

Voters did not have to justify their choice, so it remains a mystery why the Dutch chose this word. Numbers two and three were "wiiën" (playing on a Wii game console) and "bankendomino" (banks falling over like dominoes). The elections are a joint initiative of Van Dale, De Pers daily newspaper and the Netherlands language society Onze Taal.

In honor of the Dutch, I'm going to spend a good part of the holiday, eating chocolate, arranging tulips and swaffling.  I would urge you to do the same!

Oh, how the world has changed!  When I was 12 and your penis rubbed against your pants in a public place, fear and embarrassment would set in, school books piled on your lap.  Today, we swing and harden in celebration of the mighty cock!  Hallelujah and praise the Dutch!

VEGANS CAN'T SWALLOW

So I'm reading about another one of these naked PETA protests and I'm thinking how is this supposed to motivate me to stop eating meat and swallowing animal protein?

POTTY POLITICS

The many nations around the globe with gender neutral public toilets must wonder at the American politicization of these ostensibly functional facilities.  Initially designed to provide a convenient out-of-home facility for pooping, pissing, sanitary napkin replacement, hand washing and an occasional vomit, the American public restroom has become as dangerous as the Minotaur's Labyrinth, with evil New Jersey governors and United States Senators lurking behind every glory hole ready to pounce on unsuspecting young boys, and voracious trannies lusting after fragile females.

From airport toilets in Minneapolis to restaurant johns in Greenwich Village, our society is obsessed with the threat posed by public toilets to the safety and values of our nation.

Furthermore, we are convinced as a nation that people who use public toilets fall into two categories:  criminals and victims.  Sane Americans wait until they get home; or they wear Depends.  And while women seem able to survive  the hoots and howls of construction workers, heterosexual men incapable of a polite "no", require the vigilant surveillance of  the police to protect them from the evil eye of the toilet dwelling queer.

A very masculine lesbian was tossed out of a women's room in a New York City restaurant because a security officer was convinced that her masculinity would offend the more feminine heterosexual women.

Police routinely stake out men's rooms around the country because homosexuals can't pull out their dicks to take a piss without needing to compulsively molest little boys and virginal straight men. (At 59, I'm happy if I can just empty my bladder in a reasonable amount of time.)

Transgender men on their way to womanhood are likely to revert to typical male behavior and rape female women's room patrons after they've slipped into the sanctum sanctorum in Lane Bryant camouflage.

A Christian law firm is now insisting that when a transgender man enters a women's room, it's an assault on Freedom of Religion.

Michigan's Thomas More Law firm is representing an alliance of Christians, Christian businesses and churches to ban transsexual men who are now living as women from women's bathrooms in businesses and public buildings.

In fact over 1,000 residents of Hamtramck, Michigan have signed a petition to place a referendum on this issue on the November ballot.  Law firms and ballot measures; that's how seriously we take the dangers of a public piss.

"Radical homosexual activists have taken over city councils like Hamtramck all across the nation," Thomas More President and Chief Counsel Richard Thompson said in a statement. Allowing transgender Americans to use public facilities is simply another way to "bully and persecute Christians who faithfully practice their religion.

Thompson goes on to say that allowing transgender Americans to use whatever public toilet they choose to use is "bizarre behavior that would make any Communist regime envious."

Clearly, Americans see public toilets as very dangerous, sin-infested crime scenes waiting to happen.  We assign police squads to go on undercover toilet assignment.  We live in dread of transgender Americans turning into testosterone crazed rapists under the olfactory sway of estrogen laced female urine.  And now we learn that having to share a public facility with a transgender American could destroy your right to worship God.

Europeans may even agree with us which would account for the reason so many public facilities throughout Europe use the gender neutral "toilet" signage rather than the polarizing and politicizing red capes of Damen und Herren.

THIS WEEK IN STUPID

THIS WEEK IN STUPID

Danilo Giuffrida, a 27 year old Italian man, has sold his right to handicapped parking for $160,000.

Giuffrida was declared disabled by Motor Vehicles officials in Catania, Italy, after military officials sent his paperwork over declaring he was a homosexual.

Apparently in Italy homosexuality is considered a disability.

Once motor vehicles was informed, he was told he must retake his test every year instead of every 10 years as usual.

Danilo sued for discrimination and won.

The Italian government was ordered to pay Giuffrida $160,000 in compensation. His lawyer stated "Evidently, they thought that his sexual preferences were a mental disorder." Giuffrida plans to use some of the money to buy a new car.

Giuffrida is an idiot.  $160,000 is nothing compared to a lifetime of disabled parking spots.  Schmuck.

FULL FRONTAL WILL GET YOU SHOT

The creator of a calendar that featured shirtless Mormon missionaries was excommunicated Sunday after a disciplinary meeting with local church leaders in Las Vegas.

Chad Hardy said he bears no ill will toward the council of elders from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

The calendar is about as vanilla as vanilla can be but showing Mormon missionaries shirtless without their magic underwear is enough to get you booted out of this cult.

"I felt like I spoke my truth," the 31-year-old entertainment entrepreneur said. "Bottom-line, they still felt the calendar is inappropriate and not the image that the church wants to have."

"Men on a Mission," which has sold nearly 10,000 copies at $14.99 each, included pictures of 12 returned missionaries wearing black slacks, but not their trademark white shirts, in modest poses. The men also were photographed in traditional missionary garb and share their religious beliefs in biographical sketches.

Some of the 12 models have also been called to disciplinary meetings, but none were punished.

"I have no ill feelings toward any of those people," Hardy said of the church council. "They did what they believed was right and I really do feel it was the best decision for both of us."

Hardy said the purpose of the 2008 calendar was not to tear down the church or its 13 million members.

"The project is about stepping outside the stereotypes and stepping outside of the image," Hardy said. "Not everybody fits the image and I let them know we're not trying to portray an image for the entire church."

Assuming God also created intelligence, she must be bewildered by how so many have squandered that particular gift.

AL REYNOLDS:  I'M CLEAN, NOT QUEER

Finally, Star Jones' former husband, Al Reynolds launched a media campaign this past week to announce that he's not a homosexual.  Really, he doing the talk shows on this, a man who has two claims to fame: he married a deformed moron and is not a homosexual.

Reynolds is telling TV and radio audiences that, despite the fact that calling him a homosexual is hurtful, he does, however, understand why folks would think he is gay.

First of all,  he explains that as a light-skinned African American he is very pretty, a pretty boy in fact which confused people who think African Americans are dark-skinned and not pretty.  Furthermore, he's passionate about good grooming and wearing freshly laundered and well pressed color coordinated outfits.

That banging sound you hear in the distance is me hitting my very hard head on a wall, over and over and over again.

BOOKS NOT DEAD YET

Pundits and Bill Gates will tell you that tree-downing books will soon go the way of the Paleosaur.  But can high tech tablets and hand-helds ever really replace the feel, smell and taste of good old-fashioned wood turned into paper, glue and sophisticated color palettes?

The latest addition to the history of bibliophilia suggests otherwise.  Cumming in August to a book shelf or amazon.com near you:  THE BIG PENIS BOOK.   Settle into your favorite reading chair, switch on your favorite reading land and wrap your eager little literary fists around this.

Here are some stills from the best damned video ever from a book publisher who would make Gutenberg proud.

SEX AND THE CITY, THE UNDERWATER EDITION OR CARRIE BRADSHAW'S ULTIMATE URBAN POOPER SCOOPERS

Brought to  you by Strange Things From Spain.

EX-GAY BASHING

Ex-gays and Evangelicals are like jealous petulant brats.  If we have it, they want it.  So if gays get bashed, ex-gays want bashing as well. I'm happy to let them have bashing.  Enjoy!

According to several ex-gay groups, ex-gays are " getting pummeled and victimized by verbal to violent attacks."  In fact, claims one group, the fact that ex-gays are getting bashed proves that ex-gays exist. (I don't follow that logic either--I'm just reporting it.  But it seems that bashing is existence-affirming--nothing makes you feel as ex-gay as a queer punch in the nose.)

According to one ex-gay leader, "Homosexual activist groups long have denied that ex-"gays" exist and have charged those ministries that work with the needs of those desiring to leave the lifestyle are fraudulent.  But attacks on those who have left the [homosexual] lifestyle, or are trying to, go far beyond verbal denigration, according to those who have experienced it, including Joe and Marion Allen. Their son Bart was in the process of leaving the homosexual lifestyle in 2001 when the "gay" with whom he'd shared an apartment strangled and killed him."

Hell hath no fury like a gay scorned by an ex-gay!

This tragic incident of domestic violence convinced the victims parents, Mom and Pop Allen, that the reason more homosexuals aren't being reborn in Jesus is fear of losing their lives at the hands of spiteful gays.

Hoping to teach Mathew Shepard's mother a thing or two, the Allens now run a ministry called Hope for the Broken Heart.  They speak at conferences for the ex-"gay" ministry Exodus International "simply because they cannot be silent about the tragedy in their family, and they want to help others avoid a similar result."

The Allens want America to know that homosexuals are murdering men and women who turn their backs on the homosexual agenda.  Apparently, we queers believe that once you've been recruited and signed on the dotted line, it's until death do us part--kind of like the Mafia!  Omerta!

Mrs. Allen recently told the Christian press that "Bart [her soon to be ex-gay son] was in the process of trying to come away from this, and was just involved with a sick, sick man.  Bart was wanting help. Thank goodness our child was a believer.  He did love the Lord and he was miserable. He knew what the Scriptures said about it," she said.

At one point, prior to his death, Bart had gone for professional counseling. Unfortunately Bart had gone for professional counseling rather than ex-gay counseling and the psychologist gave him "a death sentence," explains Mom.  "She told him that he was born gay.  My son was devastated.  His psychologist told him that we, his parents, were doing him an injustice by telling him this was wrong and he needed to go on back [to the homosexual lifestyle]," she said.

Her son did go back, but still couldn't accept his own lifestyle choices any longer, and finally demanded that his lover leave the apartment.

"He was trying to make a break and he wanted help. He [Bart] called him from our house, and told him [to move out]," she said. Her son asked the apartment building managers to change his locks, but they declined, assuring him the keys could not be duplicated.

"We don't know [what happened]. The police told us Bart was asleep. He [the attacker] got in and strangled him to death with his hands and a dog leash," Mrs. Allen said.

The Allens are angry that the murder of ex-gays by vengeful gays is not being widely reported.  "While violence rising to the level of homicide is not reported a great deal, the lower levels of harassment and badgering are growing, according those who have experienced or witnessed it."

A Christian news service recently issued a report on the rising--but FBI ignored--incidence of ex-gay bashing across America.  Among some of the examples cited:

• Officials at a New England organization have reported that members of a transgender lobby have promised to shadow grandmothers and others who will be collecting petition signatures on a traditional marriage amendment plan this summer.  Grannies!  Grannies stalked by evil transgenders!
• Actions by members of the homosexual community recently prompted the American Psychiatric Association to cancel what was to be a discussion of the lifestyle.
• And prominent leaders of the homosexual community have stated that only they benefit from hate crimes laws, those laws that enhance a penalty for crimes already covered by other statutes based on the thoughts that accompany the criminal act.

The Allens connected with the Exodus International Ministry and have been working through them and through their own project  to offer santuary to those who want guidance.

"I guess you never get over things, of course, but it has been almost seven years. We still cry," she said, referring to the death of her son as he fled East Berlin---oops, I mean the homosexual lifestyle.

Regina Griggs, the executive director of Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays (PFOX), said her organization and staff members repeatedly have been attacked simply because of their message: that there are such individuals as former homosexuals.

"Some attacks have been physical, such as the 2007 incident at the Arlington County Fair."

According to Ms. Griggs: "One police officer told me he was on patrol at the fair when a woman approached him and told him a man had knocked over pamphlets at the PFOX booth and assaulted another man there. The officer then spoke to the alleged victim. He did not want to press charges and therefore no written report was filed," said a statement issued by John Lisle, media relations officer for the Arlington County police department.

"But based on the description the officer was given, he located the suspect at the fair. Another officer escorted that gentleman off the fair grounds," his statement continued.

The result of the situation? Pro-homosexual activists vigorously condemned Griggs for "making up" the story when she alerted supporters about the situation.

"Regina Griggs has lost all credibility and must resign in shame for her dishonest behavior," wrote Wayne Besen, executive director of the homosexual advocacy group Truth Wins Out. "What PFOX did was warped, twisted and an insult (sic) real hate crime victims."

Griggs said at the time, "The gays became infuriated when our ex-gay volunteers testified about leaving homosexuality. … One gay man went so far as to hit our ex-gay volunteer because he refused to recant his ex-gay testimony."

Ex-gay bashing.

Griggs has also complained that ex-gay bashing is now happening in the United States Postal System.  Major education groups, she explains, are returning her correspondence and applications to participate in their events unopened!  "They take one look at our return address and reject the mail.

More ex-gay bashing.

The WND Christian News Service reports that "Those who condemn homosexuality also face electronic badgering. When Sally Kern,  the Oklahoma lawmaker who rejected the homosexual lifestyle as a threat to the nation, was inundated with tens of thousands of e-mails in a coordinated attack on her beliefs. Some of the e-mails threatened her.

Electronic ex-gay bashing.  Ouch.

Griggs explains that the homosexualist movement is becoming more aggressive in teaching that homosexuality is something people are born with, not something they choose for whatever reasons.

"We have a school board teaching homosexuality is innate. We have judges ruling schools are not required to teach fact-based [sex education] information," she said. "Basically they are silencing anyone who holds a different opinion. Their sole concern is about advancing that homosexuality is normal, natural and healthy and should have all the equal benefits of marriage.

"If you come at it from a Christian perspective, that makes you a homophobe," she said, citing the case of a University of Toledo administrator who was fired for expressing her personal Christian testimony regarding homosexuality.

"They're not seeking equality; they're seeking total control," she said.

National statistics on crimes victimizing those who are leaving the homosexual lifestyle are virtually untracked, but a federal study does reveal that there is a level of violence involving same-sex partners--and PFOX, EXODUS INTERNATIONAL and the Allens are telling folks that this is confirmation of ex-gay bashing.  When an ex-gay tells his or her partner that he's found Christ and is leaving for heterosexuality, the scorned same-sex partner all too often resorts to violence.

"It is time," says PFOX, "for the FBI to look into this and see it for what it is, a growing epidemic of ex-gay bashing."

"Furthermore," explains Griggs, "The Day of Truth is simply a day of counter-cultural political activism. A day of silence would almost be okay if it was about all bullying, all intolerance, and all discrimination, but it is not. What about the harassment of the goofy looking guy with glasses, or the person with a big wart on her neck, or the one with too many ugly pimples, or wimps, or nerds, or those who wear black cloaks and look like gangsters, or all the others who are often harassed because of appearance or speech problem or whatever? Gays are certainly not the only ones silenced, harassed, bullied, alienated, or isolated. A lot of kids have been murdered by others kids because of being harassed before and since the Columbine massacre. Why is their not a national day of protest for them? Because gays are the only group with a corporate funded political agenda."

"Each year thousands of men and women with same-sex attractions make the personal decision to leave homosexuality by means of reparative therapy, ex-gay ministry or group counseling. Their choice is one only they can make. However, there are others who refuse to respect that choice, and endeavor to attack the ex-gay community. Consequently, ex-gays are subject to an increasingly hostile environment where they are reviled or attacked as perpetrators of hate and discrimination simply because they dare to exist," Griggs said.

I've often written about the horrors of gay bashing. I wanted to provide fair balance.  Ex-gays are living in terror.  At night they have vision of hunky sugar plum fairies with huge wands dancing in their heads and when awake during the day they are now being hounded by vengeful homosexual hit queers. We need to show some compassion.  The next time you're confronted by an ex-gay, please don't get angry. Please.  Instead take him in your arms and give him a great big loving bear hug--and while you're holding him close, drive your knee into the fucking idiot's nuts.