Proceed at your own risk

THE CLIENT CHRONICLES, CHAPTER TEN: How to hire an escort

Hiring an escort is similar to choosing a boyfriend, purchasing a new car, and interviewing a job applicant all at the same time.  It is a complex and somewhat stressful matter and one of the best reasons to develop and carefully maintain a stable of regulars.  While novelty can be exciting, unless you're prepared to settle for on an s&m experience, the chances are you're going to be disappointed. Oh, s&m means stand and model, not sadomasochism.  Kind of like the crowd at many New York bars.

So I've decided to call upon my vast font of experience to provide you with my own personal set of hiring rules, the rules I mostly follow when in pursuit of novelty.  But be warned, even I make mistakes and miscalculations.  However, over the years my failure rate has significantly dropped.  Years ago, only one in ten guys who "showed up" would be keepers.  Today, thanks to the application of precise scientific principles, consumer savvy and finely honed instincts, my success rate is up to, well, it's still one in ten.  Don't misunderstand, my success rate could be nine in ten, but when you're enslaved to hormones and fantasy, you deceive yourself into thinking that even though "this one" is typical of the kind of guy you should NOT hire, you're going to get lucky and he's going to be hot.  I am weak and frequently break my own rules.

Nonetheless, if you're smarter than me, you will follow these rules and, as a result, you will definitely increase your chances of success and satisfaction. So, CONSUMER REPORTS, step aside, here's how to shop wisely for an escort.

1. First and foremost, its almost a certainty that if he is breathtakingly beautiful, he's going to bad in bed.  For those of you looking for living porn photos, this rule is can be ignored.  For those of you looking for some good sex, this rule is critical.  Trouble (or lack of it) is even more likely to be the case if he asks for a fee that is way above standard simply because he is so much more beautiful than average.  Also be wary if he's charging by the pound, the more muscle the higher the fee.  He's full of himself and assumes that he can just stand there and admire him.  The likelihood of seeing an erection (his, not yours) is slim to none.  So look for hot but flawed.  Some of you may enjoy unresponsive and cold; my advice is to watch porn rather than waste your money on a muscle bound, Men's Fitness cover ice queen.
2. He says he's straight.  Jesus, guys, when will you learn?   However, if you're into fucking "straight" guys and he's willing to put his ass up in the air and spread it open for you, then fine.  But if you still think you're fucking a straight man....well....your gift for self-deception is even more fine-tuned than my own; and mine is really good.  But if he's really straight and you hire him, keep in mind that he's likely to have some rules of his own: you can touch me but don't expect me to touch you, keep your hands off my nipples, don't come near my face and please keep your tongue in your mouth. Oh, and my all time favorite: it's extra if you want me to remove my underwear.
3. If he won't show a photo of his face, move on.  Too many escorts lie about their pictures and headless bodies likely tell you nothing.  And by the time you discover that he's not the body in the photo, you're both naked and it's hard to stop.  Popular excuses for this act of deception include: I hurt my back two years ago and haven't been able to get back to the gym...I haven't had a chance to take a new photo since I moved to New York about 10 years ago and that's my roommate's body...I can't use mine because I have a career.  If he won't show you a photo because he needs to be "discrete", "discrete" usually means chubby, emaciated, bad skin, 39 rather than 29, or just downright ugly.  The reality is unless you're some kind of hideous troll yourself, you shouldn't be paying for someone who should be paying you.  (Amendment: if he refuses to send a photo but very courteously offers to leave immediately at no charge should you be disappointed at the door, this is a good sign...but no guarantee.)   Like all of these rules, there are exceptions to this and good reasons for not providing a photo, but it is a gamble and a gamble that will significantly diminish your chances of success.
4. All he sends is a photo of his dick.  Move on, unless you're a serious size queen and it's huge and that's all you care about.
5. If he asks you if you're "a picture collector" hang up or block his IMs.  Let's face it, if you have access to the Internet, you have access to more photos of hot guys than you'll ever live long enough to view.  (I know. I've been trying but the clock is ticking faster than I can follow links.)  The last thing you need is to waste your time engaging some asshole in conversation just to score his stupid photograph.  You want to see his photograph and his face and eyes to see if he's your type; and also for security reasons.  And, once you see the photo, if he's not your type and he flips out over your hesitation, you've made the right decision in rejecting him.   Decent men understand.
6. Drugs and Drink.  You've seen the photo, you've exchanged emails,  you've even done some instant messaging.  Talk on the phone.  Get a sense of how he presents himself.  If you're paying attention, you can easily determine that he's wasted, hung over, wired, strung out...whatever you want to call it...and unless that's what you're into, move on quickly. And keep in mind that while a three way with Tina can be hot, it's very dangerous.  She likes to steal things.
7. Talk on the phone.  Explore the person a little bit before you hire him; it's stupid, even though it seems hot, to hire someone who is rude and indifferent. I know, I know. That can be very hot, but in an escort it can be very dangerous and very disappointing. If you ask a guy for rude and indifferent and he's willing and able to do that, great, but if he's rude and indifferent before you've clued him into your fetishes and desires, that's not great.
8. During the phone conversation, show respect. You're talking to a human being, not a piece of meat.  Show some interest in his limits, his desires.  Try a little humor. Take the lead in this and see how he responds.  If he remains very businesslike and unresponsive to you as a person, proceed with great caution, if at all.
9. Tell him what you want, but politely and with some initial discretion.  Do not engage in phone sex, unless he takes you there.  But you do want to be as clear as possible about what you want and need.  You can very much increase your chances of a successful and satisfying encounter if you find yourself dealing with an escort who shows interest in your specific desires.  You can tell if he's engaged in what you're saying. Is he asking questions? Is he "listening"?  Or are you getting a curt series of "yes", "sure", "uh-huh" and the ultimate "whatever"? 
10. If he asks for the money upfront, he's likely to be out of there in under 15 minutes, assuming he stays at all.  Demanding money upfront usually means he's either very bitter, very angry, straight and almost certainly a hustler and not an escort.  Aha! Some of you are wondering what the difference is between a hustler and an escort but that's a different tale.  For now, suffice it to say that you're very unlikely to have a good time with a hustler unless you're into mental abuse and really lousy sex, if sex happens at all.  (A small amendment to this rule:  if you're seeing an escort for the first time, it is, in my view, the decent and gentlemanly thing to leave his money out and in a place where he can immediately see it.  If he doesn't take it until you offer it to him, that's a very good sign that you've got a keeper on your hands.)
11. Don't hire "no shows".  Being stood up by friends is barely tolerable; in a business arrangement it is completely unacceptable.  If you hire an escort who has stood you up or arrived more than 15 minutes late, don't be surprised when he does it again, especially if he hasn't called to say he's running late.  If an escort has a legitimate reason for standing you up, chances are he will offer to compensate you in some way, either in terms of time or money.
12. And the most important rule of all:  think with your brain, not with your hormones.  Your brain will take care of you, your hormones will take care of themselves.

There are always going to be exceptions to every one of these rules, and it is because of that that I keep making bad decision, thinking that according to the law of averages, "this" one will the exception.  The truth is, according to the law of averages, "this" one will be another disaster.  So the most important rule of all is no. 12, if you can remember.  Unfortunately, amnesia is hormonal.

And a final word,  The world is full of great guys who are escorting for badly needed extra cash or because it really turns them on.   But the world is also full of hustlers, drug addicts, thieves and assholes. These rules will hopefully help you weed them out so that you can spend your time and your money on the good guys.

Finagling a freebie!

For those of you on tight budgets, of Jewish or Scottish heritage, or just downright frugal, escorts can be had for free if you apply just a little bit of creativity, cunning and charm.  Admittedly, this partly defeats the "purpose" if you're paying them to leave and not really for the sex. Nonetheless, if money is an issue, freebies are to be had.

There is no cookie cutter approach to this stratagem. You need to understand your audience, play to the escort's special needs and circumstances, and, above all, be prepared to recognize an opportunity and then seize upon it.  The best freebies are often had spontaneously.  You need to remain vigilant so that you know when to strike, and put away your wallet.

The top ten (actually, I couldn't edit this down to less than 12) techniques for securing free hours, free overnights and even free weekends with a male escort:

1. High on Ecstasy and sitting in the dark upper balcony of The Palladium at 3 in the morning, simply admit to being Sean Connery.  Free BJs all around.
2. You find yourself in bed with a psychotic foot fetishist who thinks you have the hottest hairy toes ever.  You agree to let him suck and lick your toes for two straight hours while you lie there bored out of your mind.
3. Promise not to tell a close friend that he's dating a hooker.
4. Refer him a couple of real estate clients or catering leads.
5. Agree to write a business plan for his new venture and provide ongoing marketing communications advice.
6. Steal the still sealed  Optimus Prime Transformer from under the Toys for Tots Christmas Tree in the lobby of your building so that he can add it to his collection of 300 plus Transformers, going back to the 1980s and including Battle Ravage, Dead End, Grimlock, Hound, Meister, Sideswipe, Silverstreak, Smokescreen, Tracks and Windcharger.  Downside: you have to listen to this crap and feign interest.  (Joe, if you're reading this, I really do love you and I'm just kidding.  The history of robots in disguise who brought their intergalactic war to Earth in 1984 fascinates me.)
7. Catch him filling 400 little amber vials of K in your kitchen while he thought you were asleep.  (This is what happens when you live just down the street from Sound Factory.)
8. Let him and his friends shoot a porn movie in your living room with it's spectacular views of Manhattan for a backdrop.
9. Let him use your terrace for a Mandate magazine photo shoot.
10. Bind him on his back spread eagle to a four poster bed and let other escorts ejaculate all over him for an entire night.
11. Agree not to tell the wife of the man who's paying his rent that her husband is keeping hookers in his properties all over Hell's Kitchen. This works best when the wife is one of your vice presidents.  (You would never actually tell, but the escort doesn't need to know that.)
12. Reveal to him that you were not so stoned that you failed to notice him slip the antique Murano glass vase into his backpack; and that you've already hit the security alarm.  Hopefully, this moment comes after you've already done so.

BEYOND BETRAYAL: TAKING CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE AFTER BOYHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE

The March 1 New York Times carries an important interview with Dr. Richard B. Gartner, a faculty member at the William Alanson White Institute in Manhattan.  He specializes in treating men who suffered sexual abuse during childhood.  I read the article early this morning and it has been haunting me throughout the day.

During my twenties and thirties, prior to coming out at the age of 40 , I went through a series of therapists.  Eventually, I would fire my therapist, wait until the pressure built up again and then I would hire a new one.  Each time I "fired" a therapist I would use a variety of cover stories but the real reason was always the same.  I would reach a point where I didn't know what to talk about other than my repressed sexuality. So I would quit.  The unhappiness and the ever looming sense of disaster would always drive me back but always with the same outcome.  And then I came out and it was all I could talk about.  My first post-coming out therapist told me that coming out was like slowly peeling an onion.  At first, I didn't understand.  I'd come out and that was that.  Of course, I did come to understand what he meant and I've lived that reality as have most of us.  The process never ends and you're always discovering something new about yourself, layer after layer after layer.  Fucking onions.

A few years ago, I began the process of coming out a second time, out of another rather big closet. coming out as a physically and sexually abused child.  The fact that this subject remains such a taboo, in my view, costs millions of boys and girls their childhoods.  The "experts" estimate that the incidence of sexual abuse in the United States, not counting other forms of physical and emotional abuse, is as much as one in six for boys and one in three for girls.  Not to diminish the wrongness of what's been revealed about the Catholic Priesthood these past few years, but that mess has made it easier for many to start talking about this crime.  And that's a good thing.

Looking at gay kids today, I so envy them the public role models. Not that they aren't without monumental challenges, but for so many of them, life is so much easier than for previous generations.  I have this little theory in my head that every time a public figure comes out, at least one gay teen suicide is prevented; and every day that a public figure stays in, he or she is responsible for at least one gay teen suicide.

I feel this way about physical and sexual child abuse.  We need to come out, we need to discuss this problem so that kids know it's wrong, so that kids know that they can talk about it, seek help and so that adults come to understand that it won't be so easy to get away with it.

In my case it was my father and my mother's first cousin.  It was something I  had only admitted to a very small circle of intimates over the years.  And then I was "outed", tossed out of this particular closet with a vengeance.

My mother's first cousin lived with us for about a year when he was 18 and I was 10.  I will spare you the details.  But I buried these memories and moved on.  About five years ago, this man, my mother's first cousin, we'll call him "S", was diagnosed with an incurable cancer and told that he only a few months to live.  "S" decided to cleanse his soul and clear his conscience by confessing his crime to our entire immediate and extended family.  My, my, but the calls started coming in.  "Richard, is it true?"   Shit. Crap. Fuck.  I hung up on the first couple of callers.  Initially, the truth is that I wasn't sure if it was true...but then the memories started to return. 

One of the worst things about being in any closet is the prevailing feeling of vulnerability.  Forgive the cliche, but the truth does set you free.

As I said when I first established this Blog, I will openly discuss this subject and I welcome a dialog with anyone else, privately or publicly who needs to face this and is having difficulty facing it alone.  I can't offer therapy, but I can offer understanding, compassion, and an environment of truth.

At the very least, buy the book discribed in today's New York Times.